


and I don't want the world to see me

by Chewiethedoggo



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Gender Confusion, Gender Identity, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Not Beta Read, Self-Discovery, Slight Transphobia, but not the intent, finally being me, ha ha brain go brr, lack of knowledge that might be read as, neopronoun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:29:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29814669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chewiethedoggo/pseuds/Chewiethedoggo
Summary: He couldn't tell you when he started feeling this way. Or when it started hurting. He supposes it's always been there, that feeling, that hurt.He knew something wasn't right. Something was wrong, oh so very wrong. He felt it when strangers looked at him. He felt it when he talked to his parents. He felt it more when he looked in the mirror.He was wrong.





	1. 'cause I don't think that they'd understand

**Author's Note:**

> so, pronouns eh? I've really been feeling it/its/itself recently, so what better than to project on the oc/sona of me?  
> not written the best, for I don't write, but uh I tried :)  
> lower case on purpose
> 
> title is from Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls

he was in middle school when he started thinking about it. theatre. the only thing he looked forward to when school ended.

it was his first year, and he had been put into publicity. which is what he wanted, so no worries there.

he and 4 others sat in a circle. the self-elected leader of the group wanted to do an activity real quick before they started their 4 month journey.

_'alright, we'll go around in a circle, and everyone will say their name and pronouns'_

he was...confused. weren't pronouns obvious? why'd was there a need to specify? But nonetheless, around they went.

he was 2nd to last in this circle. which was great, he could rehearse exactly what he'd say till he was sure he wouldn't screw it up.

1 - She/Her  
2 - He/Him  
3 - She/Her  
Him - He/Him  
5 - She/They

_...they?_

the group went on as he pondered that.

they. _t_ _hey they they_. why did this matter to him so much? why did no one tell him you could have more than one? why had he never heard they?

...

_they_

* * *

4 years later. that's the next time he thought about it. he had discovered the internet by then, using it frequently as all would.

it was then, where gender identity was a normal thing to find. something that just was there and something the would be. it was then, that he really thought about it.


	2. when everything's made to be broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gender identity

what is gender other than a reason to assume, he thinks. the pros and cons are never clear but so persistent. the wish to be someone else, to be all, or to be nothing. he thinks about it, for a while.

is he a man? is he a woman? is he in between? he or she or they or 2 or 3 or none? it seems simple, yes or no. but he doesn't get it. it doesn't fit.

what is he? is _he_ right anymore? it hurts to use, but it's all he's known. an 'I'm so proud of my son!' or a 'isn't he wonderful?' feel more like insults than a way his parents show him love.

_he_ isn't right. so what is?

* * *

maybe, he thinks, maybe he is really a _she_. that, that could make sense, no? but how is he supposed to know? no one would look at him and decide _she_ is what he is. so how does he test this?

the internet, of course. a simple search of pronoun testing leads him to gold, pronouns checkers are common, it seems. so, he gives it a shot.

_Hello! Today I met a person who goes by ◼︎◼︎◼︎. She has a wonderful personality. That smile of hers really makes me happy. I could talk to her all day although She doesn't talk about hers much. I wonder if her day has been wonderful. I hope so!_

no, no that doesn't feel right. ok, maybe not she, maybe they. yea, they should work, right?

_Hello! Today I met a person who goes by ◼︎◼︎◼︎. They have a wonderful personality. That smile of theirs really makes me happy. I could talk to them all day although They don't talk about themself much. I wonder if their day has been wonderful. I hope so!_

it's...better. but, no, it doesn't work. that's not it, not right. but what's wrong with it?

_person_. he doesn't like that, he can't see why. he _is_ a person. so why does the pain still ache? not person, that's fine, he's not person.

_Today I met a thing who goes by ◼︎◼︎◼︎._

thing, almost like he's a creature. that..doesn't ache. it doesn't pain to think nor hear. _thing._

at least that's a start.


	3. i just want you to know you i am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> finding the key

~~he's~~ not _he_. _he_ hurts. _he_ is too real. _he_ is a person. just a person. but person burns like a wildfire, a raging inferno that can't be quenched. _he_ isn't working anymore.

at least now ~~he~~ has a label, people like labels. to fit in a box. non-binary. It feels good to say.

but how do people refer to ~~him~~ without the ache? _he,_ _she_ , and _they_ are sharp and cold. ~~he..he..~~ ~~he.~~

// needs a answer soon. // can't type with // anymore. sadly, // doesn't feel right either.

* * *

when a child is first born, people will ask you if 'it' is a boy or a girl. they use it. not they. 'it' is seen as dehumanizing to be used on children. 'It' is a pronoun. a common one, at that. one used for children sometimes, and pets. animals.

// feels not human. // feels wild, like an animal. and // feels lost, like a child. // is a thing. // is a it?

_it_.

it..likes it. it doesn't hurt. it doesn't burn or scratch. it is it.

it is it. and it loves itself. it doesn't feel he, she, or they. it is it. it is..happy. holding itself along its journey.

_it is it. it is me._


End file.
